Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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