Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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