I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
