What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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