so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
