I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
