I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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