sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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