Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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