Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
