Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
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You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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