I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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