do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
