my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.