my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
