I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
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Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
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I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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