Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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