Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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