all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
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First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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