Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
