guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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