Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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