walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
