the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
