I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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