I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
