Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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