I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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