Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
