Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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