3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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