Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
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Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
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You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.