I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?