How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.