i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
