I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
