I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
