Say something about gay babies.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
