you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
