My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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