Three words: puerto rican gang bang
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
