First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
