Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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