If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
