I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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