I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
