why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
