Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
