She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
