Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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