I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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