I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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