It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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