I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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