After last night, I could never be a politician.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
